When a Friendship Becomes Toxic

You text them first - again. They leave you on read - again.
Scrolling through Instagram, you discover they’re together and you’ve been left out.
They’re always criticizing or scrutinizing you, like you’ll never be good enough.

Lately, being around your friends makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. They make you feel inferior and self-conscious. If you say the wrong thing, wear the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing, you’re scoffed at. You’ve had enough! So why do you still feel so guilty for wanting space?

It’s important to know when a friendship is starting to become toxic. If you look up the word toxic in the dictionary, it means “harmful or dangerous to your life and well-being.” Toxic friendships aren’t always obvious. Sometimes they start out healthy and slowly shift over time.

Recently, one of my students came to a session and told me about a good friend that she has been close to since elementary school. They share mutual friends, common interests, and spend a lot of time together. But when this student hit middle school, her friend started to do things that didn’t sit right. This friend began criticizing what she wore, how her hair looked, and even commented on every pimple. She told my student they couldn’t sit together at lunch because there wasn’t enough space at the table. She expressed that this girl was nice when they were alone but mean when they were around a larger group. This story from my student gave me a chance to talk with her about what toxic friendships can look like:

Interactions that leave you feeling worse about yourself.
Jokes that sting or dismiss your feelings.
Being kind only when you’re alone or when things go their way.
Feeling pressure to change just to keep their approval.
Doing all the emotional work in the friendship.

These are not things good friends do for each other.

I asked my student to start reflecting on her relationship with this girl. I wanted her to recognize how she feels when she hangs out with her…does she feel good about herself, or worse? I asked her to think about what would happen if she said no…would she feel safe? And finally, I asked her to notice which parts of herself shrink when she’s around this girl, and whether any parts of her grow for the better.

Through our talk, I learned that things hadn’t been going well in this friendship for quite some time. My student said communication often felt one-sided, even when she tried to talk about it. She noticed her friend crossed boundaries again and again, leaving her hurt and frustrated. Before making plans, she’d feel nervous and anxious about how things would go. Deep down, she realized she had outgrown the friendship.

Together, we decided it was time to practice some emotional maturity and set healthier boundaries. It wasn’t necessarily time to end the friendship completely but it was time to take some space.

Of course, that’s easier said than done. Taking space doesn’t get easier when you become an adult either!

My student began by identifying the kids in her circle who made her feel safe and comfortable. Spending more time with those friends helped her create a natural distance from the other girl while surrounding herself with people who brought more calm than chaos.

When boundaries were crossed, we practiced short, respectful phrases like, “I just need some space right now.” Long explanations wouldn’t have been heard anyway. And she learned that it’s okay to mute, block, or unfollow someone if needed because her peace was worth protecting.

Over time, the space and boundaries paid off. She grew closer to the friends who lifted her up instead of tearing her down. Eventually, both girls simply moved on. Maybe the friendship had run its course - and that wasn’t a bad thing for either of them.

My student learned an important lesson through this experience….friendships should feel like a soft place to land. She knows now that if she’s holding onto a relationship out of guilt or fear, it’s not the right place to be.

Throughout life, we all need to let go of people who don’t bring us peace - the critical voices, the fair-weather friends. But remember this….letting go isn’t about losing.

Sometimes letting go gives us the space we need to grow.