It’s almost summer vacation. There are three more days left of our local school year.  And for some (if not most) kids, this is a purely tortuous time of year. The weather is getting nice. The classrooms are too hot (not all schools have air conditioning). Because testing is over and learning is wrapping up, school schedules are packed full of one “fun” activity after another. It’s like everyone is just trying to string together enough moments of motivation and distraction to make it to the final bell.

Teachers are exhausted. Students are done. Everyone’s ready for summer—a time to relax, reset, and finally play.

Does this sound familiar?

A while ago, I had the honor of presenting on emotional regulation to a group of teens at a dance studio. Before the class began, I was lucky enough to watch them dance….and I was in awe! They moved together so effortlessly! It was hard to believe their teacher had reached out just a few days earlier because the group was struggling to work as a team.

To break the ice, I introduced them to a game called The Human Knot. Standing in a circle, they tangled themselves up by grabbing hands with teammates across from them. Their job was to untangle the knot—without letting go.

I sat back and observed, amazed again. They were calm, focused, and - let’s be honest….super flexible! No one got frustrated when things didn’t go as planned. They listened to each other. They compromised. It looked like teamwork to me…..

I can’t tell you how much time and energy I waste thinking about what others think of me.

Is this outfit too frumpy?
Will my students—and their parents—like me?
Will my colleagues be upset if I speak up about something I care about?
Are other parents judging my parenting when my kids misbehave in public?
Do people think I’m weird for writing this in the middle of a busy coffee shop?

I could fill pages with the questions that flood my mind on a daily basis, all rooted in one fear: judgment from others. It’s so easy to get stuck in my own head. And I know I’m not alone in this. As social creatures, humans are wired to seek acceptance. The fear of being judged….or worse, ridiculed…can feel like our social standing is at risk.

But here’s what we often forget: most people are far too focused on their own problems to spend much time thinking about us at all.

When I express my love to my kids sometimes I say, “I love you more than you’ll ever know.” I really do believe this…

However, there are probably times when my kids must think I can’t stand them. I get a little cranky and I might harp on everything they do wrong. I give them strict rules about how late they can stay out and where they are allowed to be while they’re with their friends. Sometimes I even say “No” to them over things they can’t understand. This is especially hard when their friends’ parents say “Yes.” When these things happen, voices raise, doors slam, and the whole house is upset.

Sometimes I get really busy with work. I can’t be there to pick them up after an activity. I have to work late at night so dinner is quick and I’m locked in my office. I know my kids get frustrated with me at those times and probably sometimes think I am putting work before them.

In my job, when I work with parents, I often express that not one parent in this world is perfect. And that is certainly the case for my parenting skills…

The other day I was driving in the car with my daughter when she randomly asked, “Who’s your best friend?”

I genuinely was stumped by this question. Who is my best friend? I am lucky to say that I have a few close friends. So I thought for a second….

I often teach both adults and kids about different tools to use when dealing with big emotions. I share breathing techniques, visualizations, and a variety of activities that help all the "big-feeling humans" I teach. Many of these tools I use myself. They aren’t rocket science—they’re simple strategies that I encourage my students to practice regularly, so when they find themselves in an emotional moment, their bodies automatically know what to do.

I’ll let you in on a little secret: of all the different tools I teach, it really comes down to three key techniques that can help you manage big emotions when they arise. This week, I was teaching these three tools to preschoolers, and I was pleasantly surprised by their responses during our conversation.

My baby is driving a car.

This feels a little unnerving.

Over Christmas, my first born took the classroom portion of Driver’s Education. Slightly after, he passed his written permit test at our local DMV. Now he is driving my car, with me in the passenger seat, trusting that his every move will be a safe one. Phew…that’s a tough one…

Trust.

This kiddo has been watching the adults in his life drive for his entire life. One of his favorite sporting events to watch on TV is Formula One. And, his favorite movie of all time is Cars! So why wouldn’t he be a great driver right off the bat?

I mean…he’s not bad! He has run an occasional red light and one time almost got us t-boned at a stop sign. He has a little trouble judging when to hit the brake for a car that is stopped in front of us. 

But he will get there, right?

I’m officially an author.

Holy cow.

I published a book!

You’d think I would feel excited, proud, and happy with this accomplishment. Don’t get me wrong….there’s a HUGE part of me that feels this way. But at the moment I feel…

Doubtful,

Nervous,

Overwhelmed,

And embarrassed.

It is really raw for me to share this with you in this blog. However, I know deep down inside that if I don’t name these feelings that are creeping in right now, I’ll never tame them. Every time these emotions appear in my own narrative they will come back stronger. And I can’t have any of that.

So here I sit, on the day my book goes on sale, the week before I plan to attend a public launch event, and I’m feeling a lot of mixed emotions. My brain is screaming,

What have I done?

A lot is going on. But not very much is happening at the same time. What do I mean by that?

It seems like the world is spinning. I don’t mean it is spinning on its axis or traveling around the sun. I mean, everyone is spinning. Things are happening. Families are traveling. Friends are busy. Kids are taking part in various activities. My loved ones always seem to be going from one place to another.

And me? I’m waiting…

I know I am a fortunate human being! I have an amazing family and a great group of friends. I have an extraordinary village of people around me that pick me up when I’m down, inspire me, and show me more love and care than I sometimes deserve. I am realizing as I get older that everyone is dealing with something. Some things are really big and others are small and trivial. And these things ebb and flow as life continues to go on around us. If we didn’t have each other to bounce ideas off of, laugh with, and vent to, I am not sure any of us would make it through this conflicted world. We need other humans in our lives.

The problem is, many of us don’t really like to talk about how we truly feel. And sometimes it feels uncomfortable when someone shares their big feelings. Writing these stories of small moments in my life and expressing my feelings and emotions about it all is not easy. At times, it can feel embarrassing, shameful, and sometimes downright raw to put it all on paper. However, I chose to write all these stories with educators, parents, and caregivers in mind, to get the narrative started among all of us.....

It takes a special person to be a teacher. I have never held another profession so I can’t compare, but I am pretty certain that it is one of the hardest jobs on the planet. 

Research shows that the average human makes 35,000 decisions a day. Most of these decisions are small and we may not even notice we’re making them. We may make decisions about which direction to turn when you’re driving, what shoes to wear, what to eat for breakfast…..so many decisions! 

Research shows that teachers make 1,500 educational decisions a day….that’s on top of the 35,000 decisions they make for themselves as the average human. If you do the math on that one, they are making about 4 educational decisions a minute in a six-hour work day (and we know their day is waaayyy more than 6 hours!). It has been noted that teachers make more decisions a day than other professionals, second to air-traffic controllers, which is also noted to be the #1 most stressful job.

Decision fatigue much?

So yeah….when I put all of that down on paper, it is no wonder I feel like teaching can be a very challenging job. However, I also believe that educators are doing the most important work on the planet....

I’ve always had an interest in mindfulness and mental health. I don’t remember where this interest came from or too many early experiences with mindfulness beyond my yoga classes. But, I do remember the first time I meditated….

I was in a high school social studies class and we were studying Eastern Culture. Our teacher had us all lay down on the floor, close our eyes, and listen to him as he guided us through breathing and visualization. I remember when it was over, he asked how we felt and I expressed how relaxed and calm I was….the most I’ve ever felt that way all through my high school career. He responded to me with a giant grin on his face and said, “I know! Isn’t it amazing?”

I had no idea at the time how amazing meditation, mindfulness, and breathing would be for me in the future…..

Ever since I took my first RULER course with Marc Brackett at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, I really felt inspired to become what he calls, “an emotion scientist.” I have been tasked to work on increasing my emotion vocabulary and to really get curious about what I am feeling and why. I have worked with countless students, families, and educators about noticing the emotions they feel everyday.

It sounds like a no-brainer, but I have learned and experienced that there are emotions behind everything in life. Our feelings drive things like motivation and decisions….you name it, there’s an emotion there! Being an emotional scientist means that I try to look at my emotions as a guide towards the best responses for getting what I need.

The hardest part for most people, including myself, is recognizing that the things I tell myself and the actions that I take, those that serve me and those that don’t, usually happen because I am feeling something big. I can be so disassociated that sometimes I am too knee deep in the negative self-talk or poor choices to see that there’s several emotions swirling around inside of me..

I think most of us can say that we didn’t grow up at a time when we learned how to understand emotions. My teachers didn’t sit me down in elementary school and ask me how I was feeling. I didn’t label my feelings on a mood meter. I wasn’t taught tools to help me regulate my emotions. Sometimes I had to figure it out on my own and, many times, the “tools” I created for myself weren’t all that helpful. Othertimes, I had no idea what to do with everything that was going on inside of me. I chose actions, some helpful and some not, based on what made me feel the safest. But the craziest part for me to explain to others is that even though I teach this stuff, I still make mistakes and I am not perfect.

Let me give you an example….

I made it my mission this year to work on my health and fitness….

At the start of the summer in 2022, I left my job as a public school teacher. I’m finally ready to share my story about why I made this choice. I probably should have written this as my first blog post in September, but I don’t think I was ready yet. Now I am, so here goes….

I swear I’m not a crazy cat lady. Just hear me out…..

I’m not used to having a cat as a pet. I grew up with a dog and even adopted my own pup my junior year of college. When I married my husband, our dogs became automatic siblings. Before we had two kids, we had two crazy dogs together. The similarities between pet-parenting and child rearing can be insanely similar, but I’ll save those stories for another day. When our dogs passed away, I always thought we’d get another one sometime in the future.

But then Ella, our 11-year-old daughter, was born. From the moment she came into this world, she was afraid of dogs. As an infant, we would take her for a walk in her stroller and if a dog came near, she would scream bloody murder. When she got older, I watched her shake and sweat when a dog headed Ella’s way. The poor thing was scared out of her mind and I knew there was no way we could bring a dog into our house.

The summer before Ella entered Kindergarten, we decided to get a cat. The kids and I did some research and went to visit a few different kittens before we met our future feline family member. Enter Tiller…an orange tabby cat with the most mellow personality I have ever had in a pet.

On October 5th, I turned 46.

A lot of people in their forties and beyond that I talk to don’t want to celebrate their birthdays. Me? Of course I want to celebrate!

In all honesty, I’ll celebrate anything. I’ll celebrate getting out the door on time on a Monday morning. I’ll celebrate the C that one of my kids worked their tails off to earn in their hardest class. I’ll most certainly celebrate any occasion with anyone and I’ll always find a good reason.

I think most people my age don’t want to celebrate getting older. It is funny how that shifts from when we were kids. We couldn’t wait to get older and hit the milestones….13, sweet 16, 18, 21!

Do you remember what age you stopped counting?

Welcome to The Calm Blog! I am a former teacher turned SEL coach who is devoted to inspiring children and caregivers through the power of Social-Emotional Learning.