Breathe, Pause, Grace

A while ago, I had the honor of presenting on emotional regulation to a group of teens at a dance studio. Before the class began, I was lucky enough to watch them dance….and I was in awe! They moved together so effortlessly! It was hard to believe their teacher had reached out just a few days earlier because the group was struggling to work as a team.

To break the ice, I introduced them to a game called The Human Knot. Standing in a circle, they tangled themselves up by grabbing hands with teammates across from them. Their job was to untangle the knot—without letting go.

I sat back and observed, amazed again. They were calm, focused, and - let’s be honest….super flexible! No one got frustrated when things didn’t go as planned. They listened to each other. They compromised. It looked like teamwork to me.

After watching them dance and play a game together, I wasn’t seeing it…everyone seemed to get along and I didn’t sense any tension. That was, until I asked them how they’ve been feeling at dance class lately. I heard students say they were feeling….

Left-out,

Not valued,

Uninspired, and

Hurt.

Ooof….those words to describe their feelings were heavy. And I could see it on their faces just how unpleasant they were feeling. 

We switched the conversation to how they’d like to feel and that’s when things lightened up a bit. They wanted to feel loved, accepted, and inspired to do their best! They all agreed that, more than anything, they wanted to love dancing together.

When asked why they’ve been feeling so unpleasant lately, they started to name the real stuff that had been happening…

Talking behind each other’s back.

Making assumptions about how someone is feeling or what they are thinking.

Holding grudges.

Stirring pots.

Big emotional outbursts.

Hurt feelings.

DRAMA!

As we talked, I started to realize that what these teens were dealing with was normal human behavior! We all go through it, we all deal with it, and it happens at every age and stage! Emotions were running high and mindfulness was getting lost in the shuffle. 

And trust me….I’ve been there!

As much as I try to model emotion regulation and mindfulness….I am not always perfect. I have moments of ignoring my body’s signals that I am feeling something big, letting the emotional side of my brain take over, and reacting in a way that I’m not proud of. 

One moment that stands out happened during the early days of COVID. It’s not a moment I love to revisit—it still feels vulnerable to share—but it taught me something I hope others can learn from too.

At the time, I was teaching third grade. Our district had just made the switch to distance learning. Overnight, everything changed. I was teaching on Zoom for the first time, isolated from my colleagues, trying to juggle school, home, and parenting—while also trying to make sense of a world that suddenly felt scary and unfamiliar.

I missed my friends. I missed my family. My house felt smaller than ever. And the constant uncertainty was overwhelming.

Eventually, our neighborhood found ways to connect. One popular tradition was birthday “drive-bys.” Families would decorate their lawns with giant signs and balloons while friends drove by, honking horns and shouting birthday wishes. Kids would stand in the driveway, dressed up and waving as the caravan passed.

I loved these moments. They were simple but joyful, and they gave my family a way to safely connect with others and spread kindness.

But one day, I lost it.

A friend organized a drive-by for her daughter. We were supposed to meet in a nearby store parking lot before heading to their house. Everyone was excited. My kids were ready to blast “Birthday” by The Beatles through our car speakers. The vibe was joyful.

Until it wasn’t.

A store owner came out and angrily asked us to leave. We were taking up parking spaces, she said, and she didn’t care that we’d only be there a few minutes or that we were doing something kind for a child. Her tone was harsh and combative….and it triggered me.

We had clashed before, and this encounter lit a fuse. I snapped. I didn’t pause. I didn’t reflect. I reacted.

I was rude. I matched her energy. I vowed never to step foot in her store again.

But I didn’t stop there. I went home and posted a nasty review on Google. When it was removed, I became even more furious. I told anyone who would listen about the incident.

She eventually retaliated. She called my school district and threatened my professional reputation. It got ugly. And while I still believe she handled the situation poorly, I can’t deny that I made mistakes too.

I let my emotions control me. I acted out of anger. I forgot everything I teach others about self-regulation and mindful response.

The dancers and I talked about emotions controlling us for quite a while. Through my time with them my message was this….even with all the emotional regulation tools in the world, we don’t always use them perfectly. And that’s okay. What matters most is what we learn from those imperfect moments.

There’s a quote I shared with them that continues to guide me through the drama that can pop up with others in my life….

“You can’t change how people treat you or what they say about you. All you can do is change how you react to it.”

-Mahatma Ghandi

If I could go back, I would change so many things about my reaction. I would do exactly what I teach others to do as a social emotional learning coach and I try to instill in my own children….

Take a pause by taking a breath. 

Notice sensations in your body. 

Try to name how you’re feeling. 

Decide how to best respond with your integrity intact.

Had I done that, I probably would’ve noticed my quickening breath and heartbeat. I would’ve recognized my anger. I would’ve reminded myself of the joy I was there to spread….and that this woman wasn’t worth my energy. I would’ve driven through the party, cheered for the birthday girl, and gone home with my dignity.

With the dancers, I encouraged them to return to the feelings they wanted at dance class. I asked them to think about how they could change their response to the drama around them. Maybe - just maybe - by shifting their reactions, they could shift the entire team dynamic.

Moments like this remind us that we aren’t born with emotional regulation. It’s a skill we learn. And learning requires practice, mistakes, reflection, and grace.

COVID times tested every tool I had. It brought up fear, anger, loneliness, and frustration….sometimes all at once. But it also taught me something powerful and that is how to give myself grace.

And grace, as any dancer knows, can be a source of incredible strength.

Let’s be clear….none of us are perfect. We will make mistakes. We will hurt people, and we will be hurt. We’ll experience emotions that challenge us to choose our responses carefully.

That includes me. That includes you. And, that includes a group of teenage dancers.

Reflecting on those imperfect moments is how we grow. There will always be people who push our buttons. But we do have control over how we respond.

So my hope…..for you, for those dancers, and for myself…..is that more often than not, we’ll respond in a way that makes us proud. And maybe, even better, we’ll respond in a way that gives both ourselves and the people who challenge us, one simple five-letter gift that everyone—dancers and non-dancers alike—can benefit from…..

Grace.