Judgement City

I can’t tell you how much time and energy I waste thinking about what others think of me.

Is this outfit too frumpy?
Will my students—and their parents—like me?
Will my colleagues be upset if I speak up about something I care about?
Are other parents judging my parenting when my kids misbehave in public?
Do people think I’m weird for writing this in the middle of a busy coffee shop?

I could fill pages with the questions that flood my mind on a daily basis, all rooted in one fear: judgment from others. It’s so easy to get stuck in my own head. And I know I’m not alone in this. As social creatures, humans are wired to seek acceptance. The fear of being judged….or worse, ridiculed…can feel like our social standing is at risk.

But here’s what we often forget: most people are far too focused on their own problems to spend much time thinking about us at all.

I can see this more clearly in others than I can in myself. Just the other day, I spent a full day with a close friend. We shopped, had lunch, and spent hours talking. But my mind was distracted—one of my kids was home sick, I was behind on work, and my phone kept buzzing with messages from my daughter about the upcoming weekend.

The whole drive home, I worried I hadn't been fully present. I was sure my friend had noticed. I felt guilty, so I texted her: "I’m sorry if I seemed distracted today. I’ve had a lot on my mind, but I really enjoyed spending time with you."

She replied right away: "I didn’t even notice! I was too busy stressing about how much money I spent today. My partner and I are trying to save, and I’ve been feeling guilty about it all day."

And you know what? I hadn’t noticed her stress either. We were both so wrapped up in our own thoughts that we weren’t judging each other at all. Some might call this a lack of presence, but I think it’s just part of being human.

When I reflect on the rare moments when I do judge others, I usually discover that it says more about me than them.

I’ve questioned people’s outfits, wondering why they chose to leave the house like that.
I’ve silently judged parents for how they speak to their children in public.
I’ve been annoyed at colleagues who ask too many questions in already-too-long meetings.
And back in school, I judged classmates who drove luxury cars or wore designer clothes—I thought they were spoiled.

But if I dig deeper, I can see my own insecurities behind those judgments.

Maybe I don’t feel confident enough to wear bold clothes.
Maybe I worry that I’m not firm enough with my kids.
Maybe I hold back at work out of fear of being “that colleague.”
And as for the classmates with fancy things? That might not be insecurity. That might just be jealousy.

Insecurity and jealousy—those are human too.

So yes, people will judge you sometimes. But often, if someone is judging you, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with what’s going on in their own life.

There’s a quote….I’m not sure who said it….but it’s stuck with me:

 “People who judge others tell more about who they are than who they judge.”

So don’t live in “Judgment City.” It’s noisy, crowded, and no one’s happy there.

Go ahead and let them judge.

We can’t control other people’s thoughts, but we can choose how much space we give them in our own minds. And life is far too precious, far too short, to waste on imaginary critics.

So wear the outfit.
Ask the question.
Write in the coffee shop and be who you need to be.

Let them judge—because while they’re doing that, you’ll be too busy living.