They Love You More Than You Know

When I express my love to my kids sometimes I say, “I love you more than you’ll ever know.” I really do believe this…

However, there are probably times when my kids must think I can’t stand them. I get a little cranky and I might harp on everything they do wrong. I give them strict rules about how late they can stay out and where they are allowed to be while they’re with their friends. Sometimes I even say “No” to them over things they can’t understand. This is especially hard when their friends’ parents say “Yes.” When these things happen, voices raise, doors slam, and the whole house is upset.

Sometimes I get really busy with work. I can’t be there to pick them up after an activity. I have to work late at night so dinner is quick and I’m locked in my office. I know my kids get frustrated with me at those times and probably sometimes think I am putting work before them.

In my job, when I work with parents, I often express that not one parent in this world is perfect. And that is certainly the case for my parenting skills….

My daughter likes to remind me of a particular time when I could have won the “parent of the year award.” She often likes to tell others about the time that I pinched her. Yup. You heard me….I pinched my kid. And I’m not super proud of it. Before you judge, hear me out!

My daughter was young and in a pinching phase. When she was angry, she would pinch me. When she was excited, her little fingers would grasp a soft spot on my arm. When she was playing with me, she’d take a little piece of my skin between her chubby fingers. She could be feeling a variety of pleasant and unpleasant feelings when she pinched me and man!! Did it hurt!! 

One day, I couldn’t take it anymore. I did what a lot of young parents do….I made a statement that I had to follow through on. After she pinched me a few times I said to her, “Pinch me one more time and I am going to pinch you back.”

This was a great test for me. And my daughter sought out the opportunity. With a giant grin on her face, she did it again. And what did I do? I had no choice but to follow through on my threat. I looked her back in the eyes and pinched her in return! 

She will tell you that I pinched her hard. But it isn’t true. I wanted to pinch the heck out of her, but I didn’t want to hurt her. I just wanted to let her know that I had enough!

The waterworks instantly turned on! She cried and cried, shocked that I followed through with my promise. I even remember her saying to me, “How could you! I thought you loved me!”

I spent several minutes after that feeling extremely guilty. I acted like a child retaliating like that! What was I thinking? I second guessed whether or not I really hurt her but I didn’t pinch that hard….nowhere near as hard as she pinched me! I instantly gave her a hug and told her over and over that I love her more than she will ever know.

Then we talked. I expressed that people that love each other don’t try to hurt one another. We talked about how we both hurt each other that day. And in the future, we may have more times when we may hurt each other again. We said our apologies and we were able to move on.

Did she ever pinch me again?

Nope!

And I don’t think she ever will.

She hasn’t forgotten this moment between us!

I think we both learned something from this exchange between us.

So while my reaction certainly stopped the pinching problem that I was having with my daughter, the guilt has stuck with me ever since. I want to let you in on a little secret about parents….

No parent is born knowing how to raise kids. We don’t know exactly how to set limits, how to manage our own emotions (let alone help our children’s big feelings), and how to have healthy work-life balances. These things are learned and we learn them along the way. And, like I’m sure you’ve heard before, making mistakes is how we learn.

So what I am trying to say is that parenting children is simply a series of mistakes. Every parent makes them, no matter who they are. And just like you, we aren’t perfect. 

There are probably times when you want to scream how much you hate your parents from the rooftops of your town. There are times you probably want to run away. And I am certain that there are probably times that you are so angry at your parents that you can’t imagine for a second that they love you.

….more than you know.

I know all of this because I am a parent and I see it in the eyes of my children. But I also, believe it or not, remember my teenage rage towards my parents. There were so many times that I couldn’t believe how my parents were acting towards me….although I have a hunch that those feelings were mutual.

Now that I am a parent myself, I have a little more understanding of my parents and the way they raised me….the limits they set for me, the rules they had in place, and their reactions to my behavior. They didn’t know what the heck they were doing, either. They were making a series of mistakes that eventually turned into valuable lessons on taking care of kids.

Parenting….

It is all trial and error.

And we do it all out of love.

So next time you are so angry at your parents that you are seeing stars, remember this….they may have made a mistake at the moment. They aren’t perfect. They’re just trying to figure this whole parenting thing out. Have grace for your parents and all the mistakes they will make in raising you. They are doing the best they can and it is all done out of the unconditional love they have for you. 

Trust me on this when I say….

Parents love their children more than their children will ever know.

And there is such beauty in that.